A Good Listener is Like a Good Dancer

Remember Aunty Rose who doesn’t stop talking? Or Uncle Jack who loves to tell funny stories? How many times have you heard the story about….?

A Good Listener is Like a Good Dancer

A good dancer works with their partner, making the moves seem seamless. It is a skill that takes time to develop as anyone who has watched Strictly Come Dancing will know.

Active listening is also skill which takes time and effort to develop. It is not passive and takes commitment from the listener. Active listing shows that you value what the other person has to say and can encourage other people to talk.

Active listeners have freed their minds and made a commitment to absorb what the other person has to say so that they can respond appropriately. They do not make assumptions about what the other person is going to say – and therefore allow them to finish their sentence.

Active listeners:

·         Show interest

·         Request information

·         Obtain understanding

Here are the five rules to active listening

·         Pay attention.

o    Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message. Recognize that what is not said also speaks loudly.

o    Look at the speaker directly.

o    Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!

o    Avoid being distracted by environmental factors.

o    “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.

o    Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.

·         Show that you are listening.

o    Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.

o    Nod occasionally.

o    Smile and use other facial expressions.

o    Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.

o    Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.

·         Provide feedback.

o    Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

o    Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.

o    Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?”

o    Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

·         Defer judgment.

o    Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

o    Allow the speaker to finish.

o    Don’t interrupt with counter arguments.

·         Respond Appropriately.

o    Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.

o    Be candid, open, and honest in your response.

o    Assert your opinions respectfully.

o    Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

Active listening is just one aspect of good communication skills. The more you practice the better you will get at it.

Three Sources of Conflict

In my experience working with organisations there are three factors behind most organisational conflicts:

1. Differences in behaviour and communication styles

2. Differences in priorities and values

3. Workplace conditions, including poor communications from leaders

Some personalities just seem to clash. It's important to determine why two people rub each other the wrong way. Do they have opposing behavioural styles?

For example, an extrovert who is open and expressive could view an introvert as hard to read and perhaps untrustworthy. Likewise, a time-conscious, highly organised employee may harshly judge a spontaneous colleague. Someone who is highly analytical and precise might view an intuitive person as impulsive and flaky.

Teaching team members to understand basic human differences can help them overcome tendencies to judge and make assumptions. They can learn to accept coworkers’ differences. Consider using any of the commonly accepted assessment tools, such as PRISM or Belbin.

Workshops provide another option. An extrovert can learn to ask questions to draw out an introvert. The highly organized team member can learn to set more realistic deadlines.

Understanding personality differences can help prevent clashes and conflicts before they become ongoing problems.

I offer several options for learning about personalities in the workplace to help deal with differences and conflicts.

Expectations and Assumptions

People have different needs, values, beliefs, assumptions and cultural frameworks. Our expectations are fed by past experiences. If you erroneously assume that others are essentially mirror images, your lack of clarity can create strife.

Leaders and teams must explore others’ expectations, assumptions, underlying values and priorities. This can be accomplished in group or individual sessions, led by a manager or coach.

When there is an elevated degree of conflict, it's wise to retain a professional who is trained in interpersonal skills and mediation.

Behind every complaint is an underlying value that goes unsatisfied. Asking questions like “What’s really important here?” often allows people to uncover competing values and priorities. You will facilitate more authentic conversations when you ask the right questions.

What do you think about these ideas? What do you see as a major source of conflict in your organisation?

How Managers Contribute to Workplace Conflict

A disruptive member of your team can cause real problems with other team members. A case recently comes to mind where a new office manager was appointed. Jo was clearly very efficient at her job and had the ability to get on with tasks given to her. But her manner was abrupt and dismissive. She assumed that she had the right to interrupt  and took delight in showing up other people's faults.

Unfortunately her manager was too busy to really notice, and so relieved that she had someone to pass some of her workload to, that she chose to ignore the warning signs. She tried to paper over any issues with comments such as "Let's see how thing go." or " Now is not the time to address this."

Over a period of a three of months, 1 person left and another tendered their resignation. Their resignations caused a hole in the expertise in team. Luckily they realised at this stage what the problem was and finally listened to their teams concerns. Jo, who was still on probation, was asked to leave.   However, although one resignation was saved,  Jo's manager had to spend a lot of time recruiting new people to fill the hole that was left from the person that did leave.

This situation was resolved quite quickly, but sometimes problems can go on for months or on occasions years. Ignoring the disruptive behaviour of one individual can have a much wider ripple effect on the rest of the team. 

Managers contribute to conflict by communicating ambiguously, either intentionally or unintentionally.

Most of us want to avoid conflict, but we can sometimes “talk out of both sides of our mouths” and give mixed messages. Such ambiguous communication fosters an organizational climate that discourages commitment (at best) and promotes conflicts (at worst).

I'm not saying managers do this on purpose (although some do). But highly educated people are skilled in the language of diplomacy and often try to address the needs and desires of a wide audience. In trying to please everyone, they craft messages that border on double-speak.

This is more of an explanation but not a rationalization and it certainly isn't a good excuse.  

Leaders need to be more direct, frank and clear. I'd like to see more executives stand up and remove the barriers to candour. Why don't more of them tell it like it really is?

Many managers are sitting too close to the blackboard to see their own communication errors. An unbiased professional coach or consultant can spot weaknesses and help correct approaches that contribute to conflict. http://bit.ly/w84A5x

What do you think about these possible sources that create more conflict instead of helping people do their work in the best possible environment? I'd love to hear your comments.

Check out The Useful Guide to Resolving Conflict

Managing Conflict - CUDSA

When you are in a conflict situation, in the heat of the moment it can sometimes be difficult to remember what to do. There are a number of acronyms that may help you to remember. The first is:

CUDSA

Confront the behaviour

Understand each other's position

Define the problem

Search for a solution

Agree

Activity	Explanation	Example
Confront the behaviour	Concentrate on the behaviour not the person. Ask then to modify their behaviour so that you can talk about the issue.	I feel uncomfortable when you say xxx. Please can we discuss this calmly so that we can get to the problem.
Understand each other's position	Take the time to understand the other's position. Is it a real issue, or is it based on misunderstanding? Have you got all of the information, or only part of the story? Respect their position and ask them to respect yours.	Please tell me slowly what you think the issue is. Please then listen to my reply.
Define the problem	Get into the detail, but try not to react by becoming defensive, sulking, aggressive or other negative behaviour. Repeat back to the other party, your understanding of their side of the story. Stay in adult.	I understand that you feel ..., and that you have an issue with ..., and that the reason behind this is ... Is this correct? My position is ...
Search for a solution	This involves cooperation. Search for a win-win solution wherever possible. The best solution is one where each party feels that they have gained at least part of their point if not all.	I suggest that I will agree to ... if you are happy to give me ... This way we both gain something positive.
Agree	Get an agreement - even if it is an agreement to differ. Make sure any agreement is stated clearly and unambiguously. If necessary, write it down.	In these (...) circumstances, I agree to ... and you agree to ... If things substantially change then we will review this agreement.

Find out more in the eBook Lets Agree to Differ: Handling Conflict at Work

Top 10: Ways to Lead by Example

Good leaders must lead by example. Through their actions, which are aligned with what they say, they become a person others want to follow. When leaders say one thing but do another, they erode trust, a critical element of productive leadership. Here are 10 of the dozens of ways to lead by example.

1. Take responsibility. Blame costs you your credibility, keeps team members on the defensive and ultimately sabotages real growth.

2. Be truthful. Inaccurate representation affects everyone. Show that honesty really IS the best policy.

3. Be courageous. Walk through fire (a crisis) first. Take calculated risks that demonstrate commitment to a larger purpose.

4. Acknowledge failure. It makes it OK for your team to do the same and defines failure as part of the process of becoming extraordinary.

5. Be persistent. Try, try again. Go over, under or around any hurdles to show that obstacles don’t define your company or team.

6. Create solutions. Don’t dwell on problems; instead be the first to offer solutions and then ask your team for more.

7. Listen. Ask questions. Seek to understand. You’ll receive valuable insights and set a tone that encourages healthy dialogue.

 
8. Delegate liberally. Encourage an atmosphere in which people can focus on their core strengths.

9. Take care of yourself. Exercise, don’t overwork, take a break. A balanced team, mentally and physically, is a successful team. Model it, encourage it, support it! 

10. Roll up your sleeves. Like Alexander the Great leading his men into battle, you’ll inspire greatness in your company.

 Find out more about how to lead your team and deal with difficult behaviour. Visit Dealing with Difficult Behaviour

Build a successful team - interview

Trying to put together a team? Want to understand the process and what happens when you start to create a new team. David Mellor interviews Berry Winter about building teams and teambuilding. Team building should be more than just having a fun day out. In the interview we review the Tuckman model of forming, storming, norming and preforming. Below is an MP3 recoding of the interview.

Check out the Team Building Interview with Berry Winter

Ever wondered what a Johari window was?

The Johari window is named after Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. It is a model of human interaction, leadership and influence and how and what we choose to reveal about ourselves.

Check out the video.

Team building with drama (video)

Great day using masks and drama to explore communication skills

Get Motivated, Stay Motivated

Had a great time on our Get Motivated Stay Motivated Webinar. Click here to get the replay

Get Motivated, Stay Motivated

Want to get motivated in 2010? Visit www.getmotivatedstaymotivated.co.uk and sign up for the FREE Webinar.

Motivation is about a state of mind. It is about the iner need that creates a compelloig desire to act. On the Webinar we will cover

• A few concepts about motivation
• Some things to do to improve your motivation and that of others…
• …and, a Special Offer!

So if you would like to get motivated in 2010 come and join us on 18th February between 4 and 5 pm GMT

7 Ways to Deal with Difficult People

Dealing with difficult people is about staying in control of yourself, of the situation and the conversation. Sometimes you have to brave it out. This doesn’t mean fighting back but it may mean waiting until they have vent their spleen. Here are a few ideas on how you can deal with difficult people.

Listen – people like to talk about themselves so let them have their say. By listening you are creating an opportunity for that person to release pent up feelings. The trick is to know when to say stop, now I have listened and it is time to move on.

Build empathy – empathy is about being able to respect each others different points of view. You have opened up the communications channels. You do not have to sympathise with someone to build understanding about someone else’s position.

Build rapport – by listening you have started the process. It enables you to find the points of connection and build on those to create a good working relationship.

Be patient – difficult people are not always the loud ones. Sometimes quiet people can be just as difficult to deal with. They may come across as shy, sullen, uncommunicative etc. Give them the opportunity to overcome their reluctance to communicate in a non-threatening environment.

Stay in adult – if someone is acting in a childish way, don’t react by becoming childish as well. Stay in adult mode and wait for them to catch you up. Remember how frustrating toddlers are to deal with. Give them some space to work things out for themselves.

Bring them back to the point – the difficulty may be someone who likes to talk too much. Each time they go off the subject bring them gently but firmly back to the matter in hand.

Watch your language – you can’t always understand someone else’s feeling, but you can accept that they have the right to have them. Avoid “I understand how you feel…” and substitute “I understand that you are feeling…” Always comment on the behaviour not the person.

Give Yourself a New Job Title

How much does your job title define your job? How much does it determine your approach to your job? How does it affect other people's approach to you? The name of your job very often tries to describe what you do. so on that premise if you want to do something different, or want your staff to, then change the name!

Imagine you had a new job title. Not any old title but one that would make a difference - to you and your team. Take for example Director of Making a Difference. What is the difference that you would make? It could be a different way of getting things done, or it might be making the difference to your customers.

What about Head of Momentum? Where might you find momentum in your organisation? How would you go about creating it?

Here are a few more different job tiles you could use:

Company Journey Planner
Director of Money Matters
Head of Executions
Company Team Tracker

Changing the name of your job may change the way you view it and where you place the emphasis - so go on give your job a new name!

6 Mistakes when Leading Teams

Leading teams can be fraught with difficulties. Here are just a few of the most common ones.

Believing your whole team understands and accepts the team goals.

Issue: When did you last check that your team understood the overall team objectives and their role within that? Teams are made up of individuals and unless all the individuals are on board with the basic messages then there will always be forces pulling the team in different directions.

Next step: Set up meetings with individuals, groups, whole teams and ask them what they believe their goals to be.

Believing team name does not make a difference.

Issue: Your name is part of your identity. So it is with teams. Call a team Complaints Dept and they will. Teams need to be branded in a way that they find acceptable and ideally presents a positive image to the people they have to deal with outside the team.

Next step: Conduct a team branding exercise. Ask about perceptions of the team as it stands and what needs to be change. Make the team and brand an aspirational place to work.

Allowing the latest person to join the team to be trained by the last person to join.

Issue: Ever heard of Chinese whispers? Everyone puts their own interpretation on instructions and if training is conducted by someone different each time, then the messages on how to do jobs well is likely to get diluted. Training someone to do their job well needs to be done by someone who understands the job objectives and the purpose of the team. Not paying attention to the messages that people are receiving in the early days in the job means that bad practice gets spread around and become entrenched.

Next step: Always be involved in some aspects of the training and make training part of someone’s job description.

Teams need to be controlled

Issue: High performing teams have a clear sense of direction, but they do not need to be controlled. There needs to be to be regular check points but not to the extent that they get in the way of the teams’ performance.

Next step: Set fair performance targets for the team with a way of measuring and rewarding tasks that get done well.

Teams that appear alright on the surface are OK.

Issue: All good leaders should be aware of any underlying problems in their teams and look for ways to tackle them before they become a major issue. Ignoring problems very often means that they will just fester under the surface and inhibit a teams progress.

Next step: Build trust with your team, one at a time if necessary. Teams don’t necessarily have to like each other, but they do need to respect each other. Make sure respect is one of your teams’ values.

The leader knows better than the team.

Issue: Great team leaders know when to listen to their team. Team members are doing the job day in and day out and their opinions are vital to the success of the teams’ objectives. As team leader you need to take on board members views and where appropriate act on them.

Next step: Set up a listening post – some form of process for allowing your team to past back vital bits of information about the operation, project, product, customers – whatever - so that you can act on it.

Making Heros

Ways to Make Heroes


We all need a hero from time to time - but we can also make people into heros - here's how!


1. Whether they are officially rewarded or not, say thank you to employees who have achieved their targets.
2. Thank people for their suggestions whether you use them or not. Thank them for their concern.
3. Take your boss to lunch in appreciation for their help on a project or piece of work.
4. Keep an innovation book for good ideas and recognise those that get adopted.
5. Create symbol’s of a teams work or efforts (T-shirts or coffee mugs with motto or logo)
6. Reward those who are not normally in the limelight for doing their job well.
7. Support staff in their continuing professional development. Encourage them to learn.
8. When discussing an idea with your boss that has come from an employee, make sure they get the recognition.
9. Create group level awards to recognise teamwork.
10. Provide a donation in the name of an employee to a charity of their choice
11. Create an ongoing recognition award named after a particularly outstanding employee.
12. Create a company Oscar ceremony to recognise outstanding performance.

Make heros in your team to inspire and motivate.

Creating Great Presentations

Want to create a great presentation? Here are a few tips.

1. Know your subject - there is nothing worse than some talking about something they know nothing about. The audience will see through you. Do your research and you will feel much more relaxed.
2. Understand your audience - know who they are and what they want to get out of being there. Remember, your audience want you to succeed. Who wants to sit in a presenation that doesn't? So they are on your side.
3. Have a conversation. Keep the audience involved by getting them involved.
4. Dress well - make sure you look the part - looks really do count.
5. Speak up - if you have something to say make sure you can be heard otherwise your audience will go to sleep!
6. Don't overcrowd your slides - good visuals are so important in a world of constantly changing images being presented to us all the time.
7. Have fun - if you are having fun then the audience is more likely to.